


When One Is Broken (AKA Someone is going to kill me for this but I could not help myself)

by AJenno



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Please don't hate me for this, Spoilers for Season 2, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 17:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11189634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJenno/pseuds/AJenno
Summary: **SPOILERS** The aftermath from episode 12, of Season 2B of Shadowhunters ("You are Not Your Own" episode). Point of view thoughts from both Alec and Magnus and how they feel about it all. Yeah I know the episode just aired yesterday and I really should not written this since I do not like to write sad normally. But the episode left an impact on me and I could not help myself. (No one hurt me! LOL)





	When One Is Broken (AKA Someone is going to kill me for this but I could not help myself)

**Author's Note:**

> **SPOILERS** I can't emphasize that enough. If you have not watched Shadowhunters Season 2, episode 12 "You are not Your Own", don't read the following story. I say story but it's more a jumbling of words I couldn't get out of my head. I'm sure I won't be the first to attempt such a story but I couldn't stop myself. The episode last night left me feeling restless and with this incessant need to write. I still doubt my writing often but I can't stop myself from writing, nor do I want to stop. It's angsty but life isn't always sunshine and daisies and sometimes I just have to write something sad.

Guilt (Definition): A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood was not the sort of man who gave up easily. He was headstrong and he fought for what he felt in his heart was right and just. He loved strongly and protected those he cared for, no matter the circumstances. And lately? His life had been a whirlwind of events that caused chaos with everyone he loved. 

His baby sister, Isabelle, had gotten addicted to yin fen. And even though he had done what he could for her, in the end he had failed her. He had spent his life looking out for her, protecting her, and when it really mattered to him to save her, he could not do it. In the end, it had been a complete stranger who had helped her, not him, and Alec had to live with that knowledge.

And Jace? Alec's parabatai, the one who Alec believed he had feelings for most of his life that went beyond brotherly. Jace had been fighting an emotional battle, one that seemed to have no end in sight. Only recently had Jace found out he was not related to Clary, as he had previously believed. And though Alec had encouraged Jace to tell Clary the truth, Jace had refused, instead living with the truth and the emotional consequences of it. So Jace continued to suffer in silence, and the guilt Alec felt from the inability to help his parabatai, only grew. 

And now, the one thing he had not expected to ever happen, had changed Alec's life entirely. The love of his life, Magnus Bane, had gone through a circumstance no one had seem coming. Because of a curse placed on him, Magnus had switched bodies with Valentine Morgenstern. And not only had he been in the body of a man responsible for killing hundreds of beings. He had been tortured, memories triggered that had left him broken. 

"Tell me how to fix this. Just tell me what to do." Alec had told Magnus after he was back in his own body. The guilt was eating away at Alec, piece by piece. Magnus had tried to convince him who he really was when he was in Valentine's body, bringing up memories that only the two of them had known. And though Alec knew he should have taken Magnus at his word then, he had doubted, and that doubt had broken something between him and his lover. 

And that was the thing about guilt. When it grabbed a hold of you, when it sunk its' claws into your very heart, it bloomed and began to grow at an alarming rate. Because no matter how he looked at it, in the end, Alec had not been able to save Magnus the pain of what had happened, and Alec could not go back in time to fix things. And he wanted to save Magnus, he wanted to help him. But there was nothing he could do at the moment and therefore, the guilt became Alec's next breath, his very next heartbeat. It overtook his entire body and mind and he felt truly helpless. 

 

Broken (Definition): (Of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

Magnus Bane was not the type of man who was brought down by just any old circumstance. He had lived for centuries and endured things no human should ever have to. He had been in battles, had lost those he loved, and had his heart broken more times than he could count. But he had overcome all of the obstacles that had come his way, and he had grown stronger because of it. He always did his best to see the positive in every situation, even when said situation was gloomy beyond belief. But there were times when even his still beating heart wanted to bring him down. 

And there had been a point in his life when he thought love was finally beyond his reach. After the heartbreaks, the relationships, the strife, Magnus had wanted to give up on anything romantic. Living for centuries could make you bitter towards love if you let it. Then Alexander Lightwood had come along and Magnus had not been able to stop himself from tripping into love again. Because this time was different. This love was different, and Magnus had never been more grateful to meet someone, and to know that his love was returned. And as time went by, his relationship with Alexander, his Alec, only grew stronger. Alec reminded Magnus the beauty, the wonder, of loving someone with everything one was, and being happy because of it.

But none of that love, that relationship, could have prepared Magnus for what had happened next. Through the circumstances that had happened, the body swap, Magnus had endured torture, agony, he never thought he would have to feel. And it had triggered memories Magnus had long since put behind him. Because that was the thing about being immortal, and of living for a long period of time. Every day could be a memory, and the days that impacted the most were the strongest memories. But Magnus had gotten good at tucking away memories he did not want to think about. And he had thought that the prison those memories had been tucked into was locked up tight. That was, until the night he had been tortured in Valentine's body, and the prison had broken apart, the memories flowing free.

No one lived an easy life, no matter how they grew up. Circumstances happened to everyone and depending how one reacted to those circumstances, made life what it was. And Magnus Bane was no weak-minded individual. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He was revered by many, and had power beyond belief. But even a powerful man could be broken. And now? Magnus was broken. 

He never thought he would have to convince his boyfriend on who he was. Or that Alec would doubt him, because Magnus had never had to endure what had happened to him. And the fear that had sparked within him had shaken him to his very core. The whole event had broken the very powerful warlock so many admired. And when Alec had asked him what he could do to fix things, Magnus had not known what to say. Because there was no easy way to fix this, and Magnus could not see beyond the pain of his shattered soul at the moment. He knew some day he would overcome this situation as well. But at the moment? As he lay in his bed, knowing Alec was watching from the doorway, Magnus still did not have words to speak, or a solution to fix this. He was broken, and nothing could be done about it now.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay that was longer than I expected. Woo hoo for random writing. Sorry if there any mistakes. No one beta'ed this so all errors are definitely my fault. I know drama can make a relationship stronger. And I know Malec will endure even more, especially if the preview from the next episode is anything to go by. But I have hope they come out way stronger in the end, so yeah. Anyway! Comments, kudos, are always appreciated and loved. Thank you all and I truly hope, even though it was angtsy, that you enjoyed this.


End file.
